So I was cleaning my garage the other day, and 4 Page Letter, One In A Million - Aaliyah shuffled on. That chorus was so oddly familiar and it took later that evening to remember Kendrick Lamar sampled it on Blow My High (Members Only), Section 80 - Kendrick Lamar. So tight. Both songs are dope
Am listening to RTJ4, Run the Jewels '(https://runthejewels.com) new album. It was released for free last week and they just asked listeners to donate to the National Lawyers Guild, which I was able to do this week. I know this gesture is not enough, but I will look for other ways to contribute and combat racism. I admit I have been quiet, but I have been paying attention and listening. It goes without saying, I wholeheartedly support my black brothers and sisters and hope this movement does not stop until major changes are implemented. Enough is enough and white violence/ignorance can no longer be tolerated to continue. This fight cannot be won with just one community and all Americans who disagree with racism need to be vocal and proud about being against it. It was emotional seeing how the entire nation reacted and came together and it renewed my hope that this time finally something can be done. Remember, history is on our side and what is wrong is wrong. It is very important and our justice system needs to be reformed to be more transparent and fair. Most importantly, a person's wealth should not be the reason a person can avoid facing the full consequences of their actions. Their wealth should not a measurement of their merit and a shield for consequences. It is my belief, that with a lack of accountability, nothing every changes and things only get worst.
With #BLM and #COVID19 in the background, I have been working from home since Mid-March. Its been okay, but depression and anxiety returned sometime in April. Though I am now feeling a bit better, it was a struggle.
When I feel this way, I admit sometimes it is easier to just go to sleep and hope to never wake up, but then I remember my mother's struggle and remember the importance to continue on, as best as I can, when I wake up the next day. Beyond this, I do not know what else to look forward to. I thought I did before, but now I just do not know anymore. I have been staring more into the distance, but am remembering to keep going at least. Besides my art, I do dream of having a family one day, but with the way I am, I am just stuck and feel too broken at the moment to pursue anything but my well being.
Earlier this year, I did not make any official announcements that I was taking a break from photography, but I have been picking up my camera again lately and though I am still not shooting as much, I have been editing and trying to rework that process again. It has been a challenge, but the motivation is slowly coming back. I have been musing over the fact, quite ironically, that I will forever feel like the golden goose who can only lay the golden egg at the right time, but what sucks is one never knows when (dun dun dunn, so useless). This is because I easily feel burned out with life and ultimately it spills over to my work and interactions with others. It then contributes to my depression and anxiety, where I have a habit of withdrawing inwards. It sucks, I had thought as a grown man I would grow out of these feelings, but the empty feeling is just a part of who I am.
I was losing control, but fortunately, exercising, taking a walk, i.e. trying to be active or making small plans to fulfill, have been helping. Acknowledging this last year more than ever was uplifting and since then I have been working my self image / mental health as a way to be more active and fulfilled as a man. It really helps to find and have different hobbies, but it just sucks when you feel like nothing matters anymore.
Garden Of Hopes And Dreams || Hyattsville, MD
The Mundane.
All my life I have struggled in viewing the world through an "outside looking in type of lens" and looking back through my childhood I can never pinpoint when I exactly withdrew within myself and started feeling this way. I can only assume that migrating to the United States from Nicaragua had a role in it and it did not help that I have always felt like a guest in this country and so it felt normal to just be content and unnoticed in the background. And somewhere along the way I never felt challenged to explore or find ways to interact with people, besides going to school or church. I always then relied on others for their plans and felt anxious in making plans for/with others. I never grew out of this habit. I hate this about myself, and though I have made progress in taking control, it has been hard to address old habits. Still, I am happy to have found ways to address these feelings even if little by little and nothing worth pursuing ever came easy.
Thinking this now imagine being born black in this country, only to live with racism towards your person and your whole community all your life, and then imagine the damage that can be done to ones mental health when forced to live as a second class-citizen.
Think of all the love ones and kids separated at the border and the abused they are continuing to endure. So inhumane and somethings gotta give in all of this. I hope the white community is really paying attention now.
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